While scratching through some of my old high school junk I found a copy of the school newspaper that I contributed to. It’s dated 14 October, 1996.
Here I reproduce the article I wrote for your reading pleasure:
The Multiple Personalities of “The Kitchen”
I fear that the kitchen of Potchefstroom Boys’ High School is going though an identity crisis. I reached this conclusion after being subject to its meals one ill-fated weekend last term.Saturday’s breakfast was reasonable, but the The Kitchen was only being devious. It was waiting for lunch when a schizophrenic seizure would take control of it. Lunch is supposedly the main meal of the day, but since it consisted of pap (which I personally cannot stand), and a single piece of wors, it did not seem too main. the Evil-Miserly-Kitchen personality had taken control here. Yet, on the other side of the school, the Generous-Host-Kitchen personality was serving a five-star meal to a visiting cricket team.
However, the Schizo theory is not the only one in circulation, and it cannot explain all of the properties exhibited by The Kitchen. Another popular theory — the longest running theory, in fact — is the BLOP (Bio-Chemical Luminous Objects Project) Theory.
According to the BLOP Theory, The Kitchen is in fact an experimental laboratory for testing luminous substances. It is believed to be a laboratory that came under heavy fire from anti-animal cruelty societies, and so now tests its products on boarders at College. The glowing green scrambled eggs are a good example of one of these products which we received for breakfast on both Saturday and Monday of that unhappy weekend.
Although meals during the week are usually satisfactory, and Sunday lunch has improved, it would seem that The Kitchen believes that over the rest of the weekend boarders do not like to eat.
Yip. I signed it with a pseudonym, not wanting the wrath of the kitchen management to fall upon me.
I also submitted a cartoon to run with the article. It seems strangely familiar. I’m sure you’ll agree.