The Non-excuse

Travelling around Europe is no excuse for not posting anything here. Not that anyone has actually complained.
Still, the excuse is that internet connectivity is terrible in the UK, especially compared to the superlative offerings in South Africa.
No no. That is also a lie.

It is because the UK was actually invaded by the French, and everyone is forced to talk in French, and I cannot speak French.

Ok. The real reason is that there is a fire burning at the oil refinery near Essex, and the black smoke is reducing visibility — thus the data packets can’t see where to go and keep on getting lost.

If you still don’t believe me, that would be perfectly reasonable and probably indicate that you are still quite sane.

Today is not a good day

Today I considered pouring a cup full of hot coffee (straight out of the kettle) on to my forearm.
The test would be to see whether I could hold my arm in place and resist the reflex to pull it away from harm.
The next trick would be to ignore the first-aid recommendation to shove the burn under cold running water. I’m pretty sure I’d end up with an exciting scar to show my grandchildren.

Some deeper instinct stayed my hand.

My wife has a nice pair of… kidneys

Initially only expecting to go to the doctor to get a couple of blood
tests and then go on to work, Angie chose not to wear her frumpy 1950’s
underwear.
The surprise came when the doctor suspected that she might have
appendicitis and required an ultrasound. Further, it was necessary to
strip down to her undies for the examination.
The instructions from the doctor to the radiologist were to check for an
ovarian cyst or appendix problems. The radiologist seemed to believe
that every internal organ from liver to bladder needed close inspection.
His verdict was that Angie has beautiful organs. And since he normally
examined pregnant woman, he was in awe of Angie’s flat and solid stomach
muscles.

Conclusion i: A new and original pick-up line is born – “You have
beautiful organs.”
Conclusion ii: Radiologists need to get out more.

SpamBlog

A blog comprised entirely of spam. With links to other blogs comprised entirely of spam.
Spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam.

SHUTUP!
Bloody vikings!

Naughty Words

My brother Stuart insists I post this, uh, transcript of his.
I will humour him this time – but really Stuart, just get your own blog.
As already mentioned, it contains naughty words. Don’t read it if you can’t cope with naughty words.

Ashlee is Stuart’s friend from school who lives in London at the moment. What follows is an SMS ‘conversation’

The Players:

  • Stu – Brother of esteemed Waffle Master
  • Reprobate – A morally unprincipled person, one who is predestined to damnation

The Transcript

Day 1:
Stu:
Hi Ashlee. How are you doing. Somehow got your phone code the wrong way around, so haven’t been able to contact you. But all is now well again 🙂 Stu

Day 3:
Reprobate:
Fuck off and dont send to me message again
Stu (not sent):
Excuse me?! what the fuck is your problem? You low life. If I have the wrong number its not all that goddamn difficult to say so in a more polite manner. What a complete tosser you are. This wasnt always your number you fuck wit.
Stu (sent):
Excuse me?! I have to assume you are in fact not Ashlee. I must also admit that if you had had the cranial capacity to reply politely to me, then it would have been easy for me to comply with your request, but alas, that was not the case. So I may send miscellaneous messages from time to time-just to keep you on your toes. Hope you don’t mind.

Day 4:
Reprobate:
Fuck off and dont send to me message again Fuck you
Stu:
You really are an uncouth reprobate
Reprobate:
Hi.Im her boy friend what you want tell me
Stu:
I see. Well, seems she has chosen well. I am actually a friend of hers from school and you seem to be a little bit of a nightmare. So I’m not entirely sure what your issue is. If she’s not interested in speaking to me I’m sure she can tell me herself.
Reprobate:
I dont want talking with you please dont send to me message
Stu:
Ok. One last message. Who is this?
Reprobate:
Stuart
Stu:
Hmm. I see. Coincidence.
Reprobate:
Fuck you mother Fucker Fucken torso
Stu:
You really need to perhaps spend some time in a schooling environment, so that you can enhance your vast vocabulary. If you are an example of British youth I am pretty disappointed actually. Cheers