Are you a Handytard?

  • Do you struggle to hammer nails into a wall without chipping out massive chunks of masonry and plaster?
  • Do all the picture frames you hang on walls stay there for less time than it took for you to put the picture up in the first place?
  • Does the grass you mow never grow back?
  • Do the plants in the garden attempt to prune you?
  • Does changing a light-bulb generally result in an electrical discharge?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you may be a Handytard.
But don’t worry. It’s more common than you think.

Thousands of men suffer from Handytardism, and don’t even know it. Most men who are handytards only discover this fact once they buy a house and try to start a family. Due to this, some handytards could go undiagnosed for their whole lives.

Many handytards are affected by the social stigma attached to handytardism. Handytardism is, in fact, a direct affront on their masculinity. Men who cannot fix the broken things in their homes, or successfully hang decorations on the walls for their women, may as well be impotent.

Handytards of the world, do not fret!
Fortunately there is an easy solution that even the most inept would-be handy-man can use to his benefit. This solution is guaranteed to please your woman, and has been widely utilised by men with erectile dysfunction.

Get a professional to do the job for you.

10 thoughts on “Are you a Handytard?”

  1. I never heard of a Handytard before. Before hiring out that home improvement job to a professional feel free to check in with The Handyguys. We will be glad to give you an opinion as to the DIY ability of a particular project and maybe even walk you through it.
    The Handyguys run a blog/podcast on DIY and home improvement tips.
    Check it out at
    The Handyguys

  2. Gaz: Perhaps. Although I haven’t experienced most of the problems listed. For example, the damn grass does keep growng back.

    The Handyguys: Hammering a nail into a wall shouldn’t require a walk-through — unless you are a Handytard.

  3. Deary me. I don’t think any of the things on your list have ever happened to me, but I suspect we all have our moments of handytardness now and then 🙂

  4. This is great!! I think more people than not are handytards, myself included. And why bother wasting the weekend/week/month/year doing something that I’m going to have to pay someone to fix anyway? I figure, pay the piper and get it done right the first time!

  5. Quinn: The things haven’t happened to you because you are not a Handytard.

    homesourcedailyexpo: You are right, but paying someone to hang a picture in your house is ridiculous. This is very nearly the problem I have, although I am exaggerating for comic effect.

    Gaz: I think it was the “DIY” tag. They aren’t going to read the rest of the blog because they are actually generating comment spam. I don’t mind though because they obviously read the post before advertising their services to help the Handytards of the world.

  6. The only simple and sane solution to Handytardism – employ one of the Geriatric Garden, Home Maintenance and Baby-sitting Services (-usually aged parents or other retired relatives.) Low cost labour, high quality workmanship.
    No cash emolument required – consider this a Labour of Love.
    Bed and Breakfast would be appreciated. (and a beer or two for the old man) but strictly at the Handytard’s discretion.

    1. Geriatric Corp — exploiting pensioners since 2008.

      But I put up those curtain-gecko-doohickeys you gave me so long ago. Aren’t you impressed? Why no comment on that post?

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