Category: humour

Exciting new wine cultivars!

I just can’t wait to get my hands on a few bottles of these paroxysm-inducing wines.

I’ve been looking for a wine that will go well with rotting carcass goulash, and the Bottoms Up! Barolo is sure to fit the bill nicely.

I rather like ducks, and because of this I’ve never wanted to invade their space by latching on to their beaks. I have, however, always wondered what the fluid contained therein would be like. With Shit-Faced Shiraz, I need wonder no longer.

I’m going to have to give the Modderdam Malbec a wide berth though. I just don’t really agree with the labour practices they’ve used to bring us this wine, no  matter how good a wine it is.

50k Racewalker Competition

Beat my 150 metre 50k Racewalker record and win an exciting prize!

Do you have enough patience to defeat me?
Do you have enough patience to defeat me?

You must submit a screenshot to halfhaggis [at] gmail [dot] com or no prize for you.

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Update: Jan 30, 2009 @ 12:20

The first entry is in! Congratulations to Kittychunk, who will shortly receive a wonderful prize. Next prize winner will need to beat his record of 180 metres!

Do you have enough patience to defeat Kittychunk?
Do you have enough patience to defeat Kittychunk?

Update: Jan 30, 2009 @ 16:20

Congratulations to Michael who has upped the stakes! 320 metres to beat to claim your prize!

Michael will be receiving his wonderful prize shortly.

Do you have the patience to defeat Michael?
Do you have the patience to defeat Michael?

I haven’t noticed this on the beer bottles

The alcohol industry is starting to have to tag warning on to their products. I find some amusement in this example, and it’s not the “Alcohol abuse is dangerous to your health” bit:

Don't drink while pregnant

The joke is in this little logo:

pregnant-drinkingApparently you can spot a woman who is about to give birth to a child affected by fetal alcohol syndrome by the ponytail.
Or perhaps only drinking wine while pregnant, and simultaneously wearing a ponytail and holding your back, is prohibited?
Or perhaps it’s just obese women with back problems and ponytails that they have a problem with.

I think the best approach is to keep alcohol away from women who have ponytails, at least until they agree to undo their hair.

US Motor Industry wants a hand out too

The US Motor industry want a piece of that financial aid the US government seems to be handing out to irresponsible bankers at the moment. The motor industry have already been given $25 billion to develop gas-not-guzzlers, but a cleaner environment isn’t really their focus at the moment. They’d rather use it to prevent bankruptcy.

But Congress, or the Senate, or whoever it is who makes the decisions in that loopy superpower country, isn’t really buying in to the story.

The day’s hearings, before the House Financial Services Committee, got off to a rousing start when panel chairperson Barney Frank asked how the government could justify a bailout for banks and insurers, but not the automakers.

“Frankly, there seems to me to be an inherent cultural bias,” Frank said. “Aid to blue-collar employees is being judged by a standard different than white-collar employees.”

But is the aid the motor industry asking for really going to help the blue-collar workers on the shop floor?

Gary Ackerman, Democrat from New York, noted the irony of the CEOs flying on private jets and “getting off with tin cups in their hands”.

“Couldn’t you have downgraded to first class or something, or jet-pooled … to get here?” he asked. “It’s almost like seeing a guy show up at the soup kitchen in a high hat and tuxedo.”

The executives on Wednesday’s panel — GM CEO Rick Wagoner, Ford CEO Alan Mulally and Chrysler CEO Robert Nardelli — all flew to the hearings on private jets.

The Onion couldn’t make this stuff up!

All excerpts from the Mail & Guardian

I have a dog who eats socks

My dog’s name is Kelty. He is known to eat socks. Literally eat socks. Not just chew holes in them, but actually devour the fabric.
He also eats other underwear, baby clothes, and anything that smells and tastes dirty or like baby formula.

This is Kelty:

Kelty Welty Dog
Kelty Welty Dog

We have several nicknames for Kelty. One of them is “Fats,” because he just is. Another is “Welty” or “Welts.”

I complain bitterly about the things he destroys, but I complain the most about my lost socks. I have no matching socks left, and wearing mismatched socks makes me a little sad — though I have come to accept my fate. To ease the pain a little Angie bought new socks for me, to replace those that Welts had devastated with his insatiable appetite.

Read the label. I’m not sure these socks are going to last too long, or at least the lycra bits won’t.

Lycra in all welts